In order to "clean house," things have to get dirty, filthy and disgusting. One must be prepared to seek the future by reflecting on the past. Never forgetting, but being willing to forgive. I am ready to clean. Here is my story
My boyfriend (ex at this point), was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cherished him, loved him, and he had a great personality. We met in the freshmen year of college at a summer program. I was very excited to be the “new kid on the block.” I had a wonderful time in my freshmen year, and my emotional state was solid, always happy. I had a fabulous social life. There was no complaining on my part.
This young college had a deep crush on me in freshman year. So what did he do? He sang his heart out to me. I found it hilarious, he had a good voice but I was in shock and awe that I just was sang too. I figured that sort of thing only happened on television. I was just getting into my independence, so being “tied-down” was not in my stars.
My freshman year came and went, and getting into my sophomore year required buckling down, getting down to business. In this same year I made the decision to have him as my boyfriend. I was so happy from that point on. We had our disagreements, of course, but he was my “I-Thou” and those arguments did not define whether or not I loved him. The love I had for him and he had for me can not even be described. He did everything for me and did not stop at anything to please my desires. As time continued, I noticed things in him that did not come to surface until about eight or nine months into the relationship. He had low self-esteem.
According to Kendell Thornton “It was predicted that if self-esteem is involved in embarrassment, low self-esteem individuals would experience greater embarrassment that high self esteem individuals,” (1) http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdf?vid=4&hid=112&sid=0c42ddd2-85da-4fb2-8f00-26219a29cb4b%40sessionmgr108. This was quite evident through his behavior. If he were to make a mistake or do something wrong, he would be hesitate to tell me, instead he would proceed in the wrong way and try to apologize for it later. I do agree with this researcher. He did get embarrassed easily and when people get embarrassed it causes them to think about what their “I-it’s” think instead of their “I-you” or most importantly “I-Thou’s”. I could not comprehend what he was feeling at the time because I was the complete opposite of him.
I tried day in and day out to feel what he was feeling and to able to help him, but it was physically draining me. I found myself feeling depressed and not too comfortable about where our relationship was going. It was as if all of his energy was being shared between us. In the summer of 2007, he decided that he needed to break up with me. I did not understand why or what happened, but I was not going to give into whatever game he was playing. I am sure he expected for me to question and be emotional, but I was not. Even after he broke up with me, we were still hanging out. I believe this is where the relationship really started to get sour.
He was getting false hopes, with anticipation of us getting back together. Of course he knew I still loved him, but he was not enjoying the fact that I was going out and I was not calling him every night (like when we were together). Toward the end of the summer, I told him that we can not continue to hang out, but I still wanted us to be friends. He did not agree right away with my logic, but he really had no choice in the matter. We were broken up from his will and I wanted him to know what it would be like to be without having me around. He would call, but I would be busy and would not get back to him until a couple days later, not that it was intentional, but I honestly would forget to call him.
One day he flipped out on me, because I did not call him back after three days. My point to him was that we were not together and I was not obligated to call him right away for any reason. He said some very painful things to me that night. It is actually bringing an overwhelming feeling and saddening me right now to write this out. It was an emotional rollercoaster from that point on to this day. It remained evident that we still loved each other deeply. When school began it put comfort in my heart that I would be around him, and we did in fact start to hang out again. People started questioning whether or not we were together or not. Confusion among people who I considered as my “I-it’s” were wondering, but their concern was none of mine.
As the semester continued, I decided that I was not being smart about my decisions. He was apologizing to me everyday for all the wrong that occurred in our relationship, and promised that he was going to change. He already admitted that he made the mistake of breaking up with me, and said he wanted us to go on. At that point, I felt as if I was drifting away from the relationship. The feeling was quite weird, it was as if the power was in my hands now and I had the ability to change events. I had to think long and hard about the love that we had for each other for the past year and a half. Although I had the love for him, it was not as strong as it used to be. I have seen sides of him that I did not want in my future. Once again, the decision was made, that we not hang out as much, and continue on just being friends. He had the audacity to give me an ultimatum: we are either boyfriend/girlfriend again or not speak again.
THAT BRINGS US UP TO DATE. I am ready to get rid of “dead weight.” I am a senior, about to graduate and enjoy my life. I do not need a man who is self conscious about himself. I need to have good energy in my life, especially from the man who I will share my life with.
So why say that he was the best thing that ever happened to me? Maybe it was just meant to be an experience that God had in store for me, I learned more about myself and how strong I can be in a relationship. I am satisfied. I am sure that both of us will compare our next relationships to what we had. The ultimatum has not been answered as of yet, and I am sure he is not expecting what I will tell him.
Listen to this song!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VNVLbDqctY
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