Express or NOT Express???That is the Question!!!

“Boy, O Boy,” is what I think about when it comes to having to “express how I am feeling.” Do not get me wrong, I do show certain emotions, but only when it is necessary. Okay, you got me, this emotion mostly relates to showing hurt, and/or sadness and being afraid. Growing up, I was not taught to necessarily suppress that emotion, but I was taught to have “tough skin.” My mother always told me to let my emotions out, but I take it upon myself to hold them for a bit longer.
When I am angry right down to not feeling well, it has a tendency to go two ways, either show too much on my face or show nothing on my face. This emotion though that makes everyday people cry is something that I do not particularly share with the segment public. Many people think that I am emotionless because I walk around with a straight look on my face at times, and people find it difficult to read me. In a scholarly piece by Marguerite Lamb in the "Psychology Today", she says that people often have memory loss when their emotions are hidden. This is where I found the article http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=6&hid=105&sid=cadbc494-beb1-4ece-aa7b-282e8a523748%40sessionmgr106. I found this to be interesting because in many situations people want to forget that experience and often they can not. I see where the author can derive her conclusions from her research but I still remember my situations with emotions or none. What I do believe can happen though is because I get emotionless, things can be added to the story, not a lot but sometimes it does happen. I am not the type of person that likes to be “read,” if there is a situation that needs to be addressed, it will get addressed at the right time. With one particular situation, that time has not reared its ugly head.
Back in late March 2007, my aunt showed her true colors. My boyfriend, at the time, and I were pulled over by police, handcuffed then later questioned about a stolen car. It was due to a reported stolen license plate off of my ex-boyfriend’s car, but whoever stole it were committing crimes with that plate. To make that long story short, the information was cleared but we were unable to leave due to his headlights being left on during questioning, causing his battery to die. Nonetheless that night was one of the worst nights up to this date, and when it occurred we were literally ten minutes from her (my aunt’s) home. It was late in the night or early in the morning, depending on who I ask, and we, more so I, needed her. All this lady did was roll over in her bed and call my mother, who was forty-five minutes, the opposite way, from the situation. Of course my mother came, but she took her time (lol), and I do not blame her, because my mother can get hot-tempered easily, so I respect the fact that she took time to suppress her emotion of anger and such before confronting. To my surprise my mother was quite calm when she came to pick us up.
Anyway, my aunt has not even apologized to me about deserting her niece that night. Surprisingly, about three weeks later, had the audacity to ask my mother if I can be in her wedding. My aunt never called me personally to ask if I can participate in her wedding, it was through a third party. My mother knew that I was not going to be part of the wedding so she told her sister that “she has too much on her plate,” in terms of school. In her head, this incident never happened. I have not been able to forgive her yet, and it hurts. I have spoken to my mother about it, and it is unanimous that I will have to tell her my feelings someday. Being around my aunt, kind of disgusts me at this point. At the time this incident occurred, I felt like crying and being upset with her because it dawned on me how selfish she really is.
I knew from the time I younger just how selfish my aunt was, but it has never really affected me, but now it was like a direct hit to my heart, and I do not know when this wound will heal. I understand that it has been months, but the fact is, she wants to act as if nothing ever happened, without even addressing it. Meanwhile, I try not to let this emotion of pain and sadness show, and try to approach it in an “adult like” way by removing myself from her presence. Now my aunt has a baby girl, who is beautiful, but I just wonder how people can treat others the way they do but expect different treatment when it comes to them. I want to be able to forgive and forget, but it feels like if the conversation of how I felt that night does not happen, forgiving and forgetting is nonexistent. In this case, I took the emotion upon myself to remain emotionless when around my aunt, because it makes it easier to just not show anything. The only people that know how upset I was and still am are God, my mother and my ex. I do not blame her because it was something that could have been avoided and she failed to see that it was out of my control but decided that it was inconvenient for her. I just can not say if things between us will be the same.
I have become very skilled at not showing too much emotion. I guess, in a way, it makes me feel like if I display certain types of emotion I will be looked at as weak and incompetent of handling situations. I am not sure if there is a word besides being afraid, that sums up why many people feel this way. It is funny because I do not try to conform to society but with emotions, I realize that many people feel the same way. I wonder if by having a “tough skin,” are getting set up to just later being the most emotionally stressed out, or is best to not let people know? If they do not know how we are feeling then how are we?